| a sad year |
[Oct. 17th, 2009|12:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
WoOoow its been sometime since I last wrote here! So much ahs changed since then. Jess is dead and i can't move on from it. I just don't see the point in life anymore. I don't know how stable I am and thats what worries me about mine and Rus's relationship. This year started off wonderful, got horrible and than just became a really bad soap opera nightmare that I can't wake up out of. Me and jEss hung out more this year than the past 3 years. I am grateful for that time, but I would trade any of those moments to get my friend back. I just want to hug her, just let her know that she was never alone even though she believed she was. I just want to take back the silent drive we did to take her back to Tucson bc her addiction was so much worse than me and my family thought. I want her to know that I love her and always will even though she truly hurt me and my family.
Jess died July 11th 2009, 5 days shy of turning 21! She was living with us up here in Phoenix, we were going to go to Vegas to celebrate our 21sts the right way. We were going to go with a friend of mine at the time. Jess died from an overdose. Her funeral was plain, planned on a whim without much effort or thought put into it. She was cremated. Her urn was on the floor the entire ceremony. Disrespectful. Her mother sat there in front with sunglasses on, only concerned with how others thought of her. We all believe she is a horrible mother. She is a junky herself. I to this day think that she supplied the drugs to Jess, she helped Jess take her life. She made me feel bad at the get together after the funeral. She blamed me and my mom for Jess's death. Yes we failed, me and my family, but we took Jess in when she had no place else to go. We sheltered her when she had nobody else to turn too because she screwed up with her friends down in Tucson, her grandparents and her boyfriend. She lived with us for two weeks. Two wonderful weeks until the last day, she stole my wallet and was caught going thru my mother's purse. Jess's addiction began way back before she even knew what pain killers were. At 7 years old, Melissa (her mother) was giving Jess prescription pills instead of Children's tylenol when Jess had a headache. She made Jess search for her narcotics as she layed out naked on the couches strung out on whatever drug of the month it was. Jess even believed she was molested by one of the many guys Melissa had over to her house. Jess broke down and cried, the only time I ever witnessed her cry, and she pleaded with whoever was listening to not turn out like her mother. She hated Melissa. But loved her bc Melissa supplied the drugs. Jess did heroin and cocaine and meth with Melissa. For 15 years, Melissa created a drug addict, her own daughter unable to live a sober life. Melissa loves misery and most importantly company. She turned her beautiful baby girl, into a depressed addicted manipulative, destructive hurt suffering girl battling something she had no control over.
I went to Vegas about a month after Jess died. I didn't want to go to begin with but my friend at the time Amanda talked me into it. Her roommate was paying for the room. He brought his nerdy fugly friend with. The kid was harmless, so I thought. I had this feeling, maybe it was Jess hinting at me not to go, but it was a free vaca and I was going to celebrate mine and Jessica's birthdays! As lame as it sounds I was going to party for Jessica since she couldn't. I was going to have a good time for both of us! We got into Vegas. Checked in to Paris Paris. Me and Amanda took a shot of vodka before we took off for the strip with the two guys. They came back and took a shot as well. We walked for a good half n hour! I noticed that Amanda was all over her roommate. To not lead his friend on and let him think that this was a double date, I tried avoiding walking next to him. I didn't want anyone thinking that we were together! He had yellow crooked teeth, acne on his neck, and the stupidest laugh I have ever heard. He was short with a little beer belly. On top of it her wore glasses. I asked Amanda if he was a virgin. She said no. I was surprised. Why did I go with two guys, one I hardly knew, and the other I didn't know at all? Because I was with Amanda. Me and her hung out almost every night, we were going to Japan together, she promised nothing bad would happen, and the naive part of me believed her! I passed out on the way back to the hotel from drinking. I had 3 specialty shots and a Hurricane. To this day I think I was drugged. Her roommate had carry me upstairs from what i was told. Amanda let them put me, passed out in a bed with a young drunk guy. I woke up realizing I was having sex with somebody. It was the ugly geek! I ran into the bathroom, started bawling, got in the shower. Amanda came in, told me to calm down and go back to bed! I agreed. She left and I got my razor. I made some phone calls, one to Caitlin, my friend who got in contact with my sister who told my mom. I called rusty. He told me he couldn't come get me. He headed straight over to my parents house and they were in Vegas in 4 hours! The ambulance had come and got me. I was in the hospital for 12 hours. They let me go, I reported it, they said there wasn't enough evidence. He got away with it. Amanda still hasn't apologized. She believes it was my fault!
i wish i could talk to jess about this. I just wish she didn't leave. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2007|02:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | yeah yeah yeahs | ] |
the yeah yeah yeahs are pretty amazing |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2007|04:11 pm] |
I am un-inspired by everything and everyone. i look forward to sleeping and that is all. In dreams you create your reality, or unreality. i keep on contradicting myself and its driving me crazy. i am losing control and I don't know what to do.
I love my family even though they're dysfunctional.
And I love my friends even when they make me unhappy.
Life is a journey towards self-discovery. I have only discovered what I am not and not what I am which is scary. SOmething has got to happen. If not I don't know what I am going to do? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2007|11:11 am] |
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jessica give me a call |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 25th, 2007|12:36 am] |
why am i questioning myself? Why do I put so much thought into a life i can't stand?? I am back to this low depressing mind set. And why? I have my best friend back in my life. My sister is on the right track again. I have a really good friend that i work with and can depend on. I have a great friend down in another country who has opened my mind to a life I only thought about, but its one she has pursued.
Whats the point? I feel like everyone is decieving me. WHo should believe? I am realizing that no one knows anything about the meaning of life. I feel like I am crazy and that everyone is way too narrow. EVen with these good people in my life, I feel like I am drowning in this chaotic spiral of cruel sea and they can't save me. I can't convinve myself to go on but I do not have the guts to do what I feel is necessary. Everyone is smarter than me but i feel like everyone is stupid as well. I am in this medium where I can not make up my mind on anything.
Everything to me is questionable and I am driving myself mad. I am driving myself away from people because everyone is so much better than me. I don't deserve anything and whoever up there agrees, if it even exists. Everyday is a struggle. EVeryday has no point. Love is used too often and means nothing to me. I regret so much that I can't live life without wondering what it could be like if i made the right choice instead of the convient decision everyone else told me to make. I am my own worst enemy and even breaking out of my shell has created nothing but more of an awareness that i am an idiot full of mistakes. Mistakes that i do not learn from. And that makes me a hypocrite. I really am. Any advice i give, don't take, because I as the preacher do not practice any of my philosophies or ideas in life. I am ashamed of being me. I am striving for something I can't describe. Something I can't keep up with.
SOmething perhaps unattainable. Most likely for me, something that does not exist. I give up. i don't want to move on. I don't want to stand still. I want to disappear. i want to unattach myself from everything and exist only when I want to. I don't want to care about others' feelings, it hurts too much. But I don't want to be self-involved and selfish. I want freedom for me and I want freedom for everyone else. I want to be apart of life without the commitments not the observer yet I want to distance myself from society and even my dear friends. Because I am not on their level. I watch and listen, I don't interact and share. I want everyone to be happy, I want to be able to help but I don't want the glory or credit for those good acts, because then the attention will be on me and they'll see that I am nothing more than a plain depressing idiot who has no confidence in herself and therefore must invest her time into others lives for the sake of not facing her own issues because to me everyone's lives are more important to me than my own. And I can't accept that, most people tell that thats unhealthy, but even though I hate hating myself, i can't help but avoid facing myself and solving my problems before others. Its a cycle I will never be able to get out of.
Its my life, actually its not a life at all. I think sooner than later it'll come to an end. I have this feeling that the only peace i am going to get is when I leave. And i think its right around the corner. And the sad thing is (maybe its not sad) is that I accept that. For me I have nothing to live for. To people I am only this convinient compliant robot who doesn't know how to let myself feel because being vulnerable is my worst fear. and no matter how hard i try i will not give my entire self to somebody, because I believe in flase intentions. And I don't want to get hurt. So i leave with nothing but a clear mind so now I can rest a little before I start a repetative day again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2007|10:41 pm] |
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i am stuck in the middle. I feel like i am keeping her secret only so she doesn't hate me. I wish I had more evidence to support my belief, but i am going on intuition and I believe that my friend realizes her crisis but is not strong enough to pick herself up out of the deep hole she dug herself into. I need to tell them. She needs help and I do not believe that she is better. And I am so incredibly tired of not being able to believe her. Something needs to be said to both of them. But how? ANd will this ruin a friendship by telling them, or will the confession rebuild a friendship we once had? I am afraid she might die, but i am too gullable when it comes to her. I have always looked up to her, taken every word shes said seriously. but somehow we have lost everything. She has lost control over me and her own life. She no longer speaks to me, and I no longer trust her. But I can't stop but care and contemplate my options about her safety. I have to do this. I will give her a warning. You know who you are and if you do not tell them so that they can help than I have no other choice but to do it myself for your sake. Its easy to not want help when you have nobody but an old useless push over of a friend backing you, but with the core of your life, you're family and lover, the support from them may be just what you need in order to kick the habit. You promised you would clean up, I haven't seen any progress. I am sorry you hurt this bad and at times i wish i were addicted so that I could understand what you're going through. But then again I am glad that i have the ability to do what I please and not be tempted and controlled by a substance. Control over your life is all you really have. I am sorry that you are not free anymore. One day soon i hope you can fly free like the birds on our wrists because I love you and will always remain your friend. I wish we could walk in each others shoes. Watching your friend suffer is so painful. You want to believe her but you also know that the addiction puts her in situations like lying and stealing, things you never thought you would witness your friend doing. Please tell them, because if you do not I have no other choice. You need help and you cannot do it by yourself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2006|02:57 pm] |
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*the wisdom of insecurity* by alan watts
there is no happiness wihout unhappiness, ups and downs in life
for pleasure we must experience pain and suffering before gaining that potential happiness
life, just like happiness, is temporary
there is no proof of God's existence, no logical meaning
men are unable to live without believing in some myth, some form of God
the present is all we have, tomorrow never comes, the past is no longer real moments
memories and expectations prevent you from enjoying this moment, the only moment in which we really have
death is in all our futures
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2006|09:26 pm] |
i find myself immersed in this greate gray cloud of drama sadness and depression. i have met some rare people who have opened my eyes to a life I never thought existed. i am grateful for them. they have made me stronger and less naive, and less accepting of the negative things. thank you guys although you don't have a livejournal, i am thankful for youre rare characteristics.
jess i love you and miss you. this tuesday i will see you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2006|04:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | cobra starship | ] |
making a choice is all we really have in life thats close to freedom.
choices may be influenced by fear, financial circumstances, excitement, intuition, or that gut feeling but never the less, we are the ones who make the decision.
after the choice is made we really don't have control over what happens next.
this choice is hard, I believe it'll change everything. honestly i hope its a
good one and i truly believe it will be. i am not going to expect much but a clear perspective and a break from everything. if not i think i get it, and i will accept it then. but right now i still have this longing to be independent and live without any attachments. that hasn't faded and won't until i give it a shot. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2006|06:40 pm] |
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i am kind of sick of everything going wrong in my life. i am in the process of correcting my life. of course i am not trying to make it perfect, perfection doesn´t exist. but i want to get to a point where i don´t regret waking up. Buddist say that you should wake up each morning and bless, whatever God, that you have another chance to exist and live. I am afraid that I am wasting away. i am still young yes, but i have not been proud of myself ever. I cannot give people what i don´t possess, i cannot give love because i have no clue what that entails, at the moment i dont love myself. I cannot give anyone compassion or a passion because i have neither. i cannot give respect because i do not have it for myself. and i cannot give confidence to anyone because that is the major key missing in my life. i want tons of knowledge and i don´t want to fear anything. i feel like my life is on this wire and at any minute i am about to lose control and fall to my death. i am wanting to believe that everyone has a purpose, has a right to be here but my mind is blocking that thought and replacing it with full on self-hatred thoughts. i dunno. i dunno what the answer is. i have to make a choice between all the options i have. i have to take a first step because in reality that is the hardest part. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2006|02:26 am] |
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i am doing some pretty selfish dirty things. and honestly i feel disgusted with myself. i just want him so bad that i have become a user and a slut. and its funny bc the things i do don't work to my advantage. it still makes me a horrible person. jess i just want to move, get great mellow jobs, and chill. forget about guys and illegal substances, and the past. i just want to move on. i feel stuck, and i know you do too. when is life going to get good? when are things going to work out for us? i feel like breaking down everyday. i am out of control, life is out of control. i get the urge to cry at work or in the car. life could be so much worse but i feel like its pretty bad. i dunno what to do? where is my mind? is the right question to ask. |
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| birthdays |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|12:51 pm] |
it has been a long while since i have updated this. i don't think anybody really gets on here anymore which is strange. i feel like tom cruise in vanilla sky, completely alone on this journal site.
caitlin if you are still on here I wish you a happy birthday, i know it was a couple days ago. hope it was as exciting as your last one haha
jess i want to get tattoos like now. this is going to be a very major bummer situation but I can't come down eaxactly on your actual birthday. work won't let me have any of those days off, but now that i think about it i may be able to come down sunday afternoon and hopefully not positive on this but hopefully i will have monday and tuesday off like i did this week and then we'll be down there for 3 days! 2 and a half! but who is counting. it may just be me though because tiff has summer school but it happens. if that doesn't fall through though, i will be down there tuesday and wednesday. i am really bummed out. damn black out periods. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 30th, 2006|02:02 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | imogen heap | ] |
i had probably the worst night of my life tonight. i am putting in my two weeks tm, honestly i am fed up with my job. tonight i got in trouble by my supervisor because tiffany mentioned that most men with receding hairlines are angry and the idiotic customer overheard it. i mean the man couldn't deal with a paper cup for his coffee. he had to have a glass mug. the idiot deserves to be complained about, especially when he makes my job harder by having to do extra dishes when i am the only closer. tonight was just a horrible night. need new job. |
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| The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewed across a blue blanket |
[Apr. 22nd, 2006|01:49 pm] |
I have to say that I am in a content spirit. Listening to Hotel California while dreading working kind of balances things out. I am going to find another job when its the right time. Because in life it is all about the right timing.
I really want to go on a roadtrip. If going to Tucson just to chill was amazing, then driving somewhere out of this depressing state has to be way past worth it.
we're going to do a movie and it is going to be amazing. and this is not a jinx, its a promise. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|11:35 pm] |
there is something messed up with me. i feel like whenever i try to do something, its always wrong. the wrong word, the wrong way to deal with things just the wrong place at the wrong time saying describes me. i make wrong choices, wrong answers, wrong actions. i can't help but wonder what is going to happen to me after school. after so many mistakes your not trusted or worth anything anymore. i feel alone which scares me. Why i don't reach out to people, I dunno. I tell myself everyday, today is a new day but when i embrace it, i fall into the same routine with rejection and not feeling needed or cared about. i bring it upon myself. My life could be much worse but something in me won't get over the whole self hatred thing. most days i feel hideous about myself. I am insecure. I don't let anybody in. Such a selfish and coward thing to do. What happened to me to make me feel like this?
i want no feedback. this is just an entry. i don't want to hear anything, i just had to write this down. do not repond to this, please. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2006|10:35 pm] |
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we change so frequently. and its up to you if that is good or bad. i can not stop thinking about life, and i dunno if i want to stick it out. evrything always feels wrong and when i try and change things it just blows up in my face. i am sick of failing. being a failure is who i am and what i do. i feel like crying. sad but true. i thought i was over this, why can't i let it go? i hate this drama, everything is just wrong. i feel like a zombie, a friendless pointless zombie unaware of any emotion except how to please people. i am wrong. let it go. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 24th, 2006|11:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | low | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | OKGO | ] |
i dunno what is the matter and maybe i never will but there is something wrong me. i feel less of a person and more of a spud(potato i believe). i should stop complaining. life is much worse for others than mine is.
they have me closing every night on my spring break, and they have me schelduled to work on the days i requested off 2 weeks ago. that company is going down, and that ain't no lie or threat. They are going down based on their outllook on life, to be selfish and get what they want no matter who they hurt in the process.
i am alone right now, its a weird a feeling.
i hate feeling low, it takes me no where in life. so tm i am going to do something different, jump back into gear although i believe i never was in gear.
i am sick of complaining and getting nowhere. its a new day, as everyday is! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2006|06:24 pm] |
tonight our cat got fixed. poor thing can no longer yearn for a male's presence. her eyes are dialated and she keeps stumbling about like she drank too much.
Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins is something I recommend you listen to, espeacially when you want to relax. she is a true story teller. not much to update about, don't want to get blackmail for putting down immature things. Jess u have to come up here for the Dylan concert. I will not talk to you for a year if you do not! maybe not that drastically long but iI hope you do not miss this insane oppurtunity. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 5th, 2006|12:40 am] |
its sunday morning, 12 something in the morning. me and tiff just went for an hour drive something we like to do. one day i will just drive until i feel it is the right place to stop. i am uncomfortable in my thinking. it is driving me mad, taking me to the nessecity of taking sleeping pills to sleep, cutting off my vocals and just thinking everyone is crazy or everyone is sane and I am crazy?/? whatever it is I wish i could find the answer and stop the curiousity from killing me, the cat in this situation.
my feet smell pretty horrible. [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<odd:>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] its sunday morning, 12 something in the morning. me and tiff just went for an hour drive something we like to do. one day i will just drive until i feel it is the right place to stop. i am uncomfortable in my thinking. it is driving me mad, taking me to the nessecity of taking sleeping pills to sleep, cutting off my vocals and just thinking everyone is crazy or everyone is sane and I am crazy?/? whatever it is I wish i could find the answer and stop the curiousity from killing me, the cat in this situation.
my feet smell pretty horrible. <odd: using the word *pretty* in a statement about smelly toes>
jess i hope you enjoy the mail on monday.
tiff the ability to feel comfortable with yourself and ones involved in your life is in you already. Release it already and be happy, one emotion we all have and deserve to feel every moment of our lives.
Caitlin you haven't posted in a long time, please post.
Lyrics from Janes Addiction:
I want to be
As deep
As the ocean
Mother ocean
Some people tell me
Home is in the sky
In the sky lives a spy
I want to be more like the ocean
No talking
All action...
No talking
All action...
I do not know how this relates but this verse is something meaningful for me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2006|09:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
i wish there was somewhere where i could store my thoughts without anyone getting a hold of them and going balistic on only thoughts. |
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